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prepared to leave.
I had a medical, bought
prescription drugs I might need, got
my shots, travel insurance, updated
my passport, prepaid some bills,
bought equipment, and basically took
care of my personal life. I figured
I might be gone for a couple of
months. I brushed up on my outdoor
survival training, took compassing
courses, a criminal pathology crash
course, scene of the crime courses,
mediation and negotiation courses,
studied water currents in and around
Thailand and read everything I could
regarding Asia. I thought I was
prepared.
I told the family to get rid of
the reward. I did not want James to
have a price on his head and I was
not doing this for a reward, or any
salary. This was strictly a labor of
love. They wanted to do a
documentary but I refused to have
media or cameras follow me around.
It would be too dangerous and too
intrusive. I did not want to attract
any attention. I wanted to be
completely low profile. I guess that
meant alone.
"Mom" gave me a report from a
private detective they had
previously hired to go to Thailand
for eight months. It contained lists
of beaches and hotels along with the
theory that James was probably
drugged, but nothing of real value.
No leads, no names, no anything. I
studied more. I made more phone
calls. I considered the evidence I
had accumulated over the past year.
I knew that once I left I would not
have the resources and freedom I had
at home.
I had the police take my
fingerprints and stored samples of
my blood, nails, hair and saliva,
along with the name of my dentist,
lawyer, relatives and doctor. Then I
quit my job.
There was a couple that had been
long time friends of James' and his
sister who had become fervently
involved in the search. They had a
beautiful family and I looked
forward to these new friends. They
were computer techies. I had shared
all my thoughts and ideas
with them, but they were not
forthcoming with contacts and info
they had access to, not even
to the family. Because I had to stay
focused, I could not deal with the
situation at the time. This couple
had a friend who was going to
Thailand who was also a friend of
James'. This guy called Germany home
but was visiting the couple. While
there, he called and set up a lunch
meeting with Mom.
During their lunch, he told her
about his nightmare in Thailand
after drugs were slipped into his
drink, and how he ended up in a Thai
hospital. I later called him in
Germany and spoke to him at length.
He had many questions regarding what
I thought and what I knew. He was
very pleasant. I liked him. He
thought that if James was alive he
would be a cook somewhere in
Thailand. We agreed to meet once we
were in Thailand and exchanged email
addresses. It gave me some comfort
to know someone familiar would also
be in Thailand. Someone who had been
there before and who knew James. I
wondered, though, why he would want
to return given his horrible
experience. This time he was taking
his wife and 6-month old baby.
Perhaps it was not as bad or maybe
his experience was just a freak
incident.
The family swung into action and
in just a few short days had
organized a fund-raiser to finance
the trip. They were an amazing team
and it was astonishing to watch such
well-tuned, confident action. They
put together a classy event in very
short order. Their influential
friends rallied behind them with
endearing support, both financial
and emotional. This would be their
last attempt to find James; after
all, it had been almost 5 years. I
met an old friend of James' at the
dinner. He obviously loved James
deeply but was not sad; he simply
missed his buddy. I suppose the
alcohol helped. They went back a
very long ways and even had a secret
code between themselves and two
others. He told me it was a pact for
life between them all. The dinner
was a great success. My own brother
was able to see first hand how many
people this affected, to understand
that I needed to go. It must
have been so frustrating for the
family to be as competent as they
were and yet be unable to find their
beloved James. Emotions can cripple.
I stuffed my backpack, prepared
my gear and bade my farewells to a
few close friends and family. I was
going overseas again. I was only
lucky to have made it back before.
Those who knew me were nervous about
my decision but understood. Anyone
who was also a mom understood.
Whoever or whatever loose ends were
still dangling would have to dangle
till I got back.
One more trip out to the family
cabin for a farewell barbecue.
James' Aunt made the most memorable
barbecued salmon. I still crave it
once in awhile. She was a fabulous
cook and her salmon the best I had
ever tasted - ever. (after pounds of
rice in Thailand, food becomes a hot
topic of discussion with most
foreigners).
I went to the airport with only
my family. We said goodbye. They
were not happy that I was going but
knew I was stubborn, determined, and
possibly stupid and/or crazy. But
they also knew I believed I could
help. In simply believing I had an
obligation to do something. Next
stop Hong Kong.
My research before I left showed
James was hanging out with Thai guys
with English girlfriends. These
English gals lived on Koh Samui (the
island of Samui). They went to Koh
Pangang every month to the full moon
parties (huge monthly beach parties
with thousands of stoned and happy
campers). There they sold jewelry,
hats and 'what ever' else would
afford them their lifestyle of
travel and leisure. They made
regular trips to Hong Kong and were
able to go home to England for
visits occasionally. They must have
sold incredible hats and jewelry.
The long flight was what I
needed. I went over notes and
totally marinated myself with
thoughts of James. I thought of his
Mom and Dad and Uncle. I thought of
their many trips to Thailand. What
was going through their hearts and
minds as they stared out the same
window? I had been taking acting
classes for the previous few years
and my acting coach had taught me
well how to get into a character, to
feel everything they would and
literally BE that character. I owe
Bill my life many times over for the
lessons and techniques he taught me.
I took on James' character and Mom's
character interchangeably. When I
was 'Mom' I hurt so bad I felt like
throwing up. I went deep into Mom to
feel and to reach out with every bit
of a mother's intuition as I stared
out the window. Somewhere, out
there, was James. Was his body lying
somewhere? Were his bones strewn on
some lonely shore? Was he ill and
unable to remember us? Was he in
prison? Did he need me?
What about James' Dad? James was
so much like his father. His father,
quiet and reserved, silently bled,
silently dared to hope. He saw all
and felt all. How deep did the
waters run in Dad's heart? How deep
did the waters run in James? How
much pain could a parent carry
before the burden became too heavy?
James' sister had lived with
James and must have been the
closest, yet her participation in
preparations for the trip was
limited. Perhaps she was weary and
her emotional survival had dictated
that she not set herself up for
another disappointment, as was
understandably the case with so many
other relatives. At one point,
James' brother had camped in the
wilderness of Burma searching for
James, on a hunch. He was desperate
to find something - anything. He
knew firsthand the dangers that can
be found in Thailand.
Many from the outside had
mistaken Moms' brother for her
husband. With their gregarious
personalities, the two of them were
larger than life. Thoughts of James'
unrelenting Uncle slumped on the
railway tracks in Thailand,
sweating, exhausted and sobbing,
clouded my eyes. He was a tall,
successful man with a presence you
don't forget. He had chased down a
man who looked uncannily like James
only to discover he was just a hobo.
A hobo who looked just like James.
He and James' brother collapsed on
the tracks with sobs of despair. In
Thailand, they were just two broken
men.
James' physical appearance
blended in very well in Thailand. He
looked just like hundreds of other
Thais. At home he and his Dad stood
out from the family. He was
half-Chinese, had a goatee and the
only thing that would set him apart
from most Thais was his height. In
Thailand you could pass him on the
street and not notice him at all. He
was at home in Thailand. I closed my
eyes to be Mom and experience the
smell of James' scarf and to feel
James' presence. Realty reminded me
to put up my seat. I had just landed
in Hong Kong.
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